Monday, September 17, 2007

I like my Gentress Vested. Golf skirt. Loud colors and some kind of pun about the 9th hole. Currently a mere $14.00. Or hit the green with hippos on 'shrooms. Eye-scalding golf print, ultra whimsical. Get it now for $125, very collectible Vested Gentress handscreened print.

I thought the whole point of playing golf was to wear loud pants. In the late 70s, my father had a pair of golf pants in chartreuse, lemon and turquoise plaid. He'd play golf in the morning. When he would nap in the afternoon on the patio, bees, butterflies and hummingbirds would flock around. And I don't even think bees can see color. That's just how intensely the loudness vibrated.

Apparently loud pants have gone the way of false eyelashes and martini lunches. My father now dresses demurely on the course. Will the pendulum swing back? This company, Loudmouth Golf Pants, certainly hopes so. (Beware of the customer photos section. There a a couple of photos of guys with women dressed like cheerleaders--yuck. And why can't women wear loud golf pants too? Alas, only men's sizes, but perhaps an intrepid lass like yourself could make them work.)

I hate sports. This includes golf. Though golf seems less egregious than the others. Perhaps it's just quieter. I object to any past-time that includes denuding a landscape of trees and schlepping around in the heat. Unless it's a fleamarket, then I'm all for it.

However, I like these guys. Probably because they are dancing and goofing around (or is that a sumo wrestler move?). I'd prefer that they had on coordinating golf shirts in fushia and lime green. The key is that they have fairly trim waist lines, which make everything look good. (Note to self: trim your own waistline, Samsara.) Other great photos include golf action scenes. And some random dudes in knickers and coordinating golf caps, of which I heartily approve. A bigger guy has a harder time pulling off this style. But the older guys really look fabulous in the houndstooth. I can't endorse the golf pants with the pin-up girls on them, though. Those are in poor taste and any man would look like a tool wearing them.

Unfortunately, most men look like tools when wearing novelty prints. I'm not sure why that is. Perhaps it's because men's wear in general is so sombre that any pizzazz looks overdone.

A bunch of young puppies got on the elevator at work the other day. They all worked at some brokerage and were talking loudly about how the wine at so-and-so's party was definitely second rate. Okay, so they seemed like schmucks from the get-go. One of them, fair-haired with pouty lips, was wearing a silk tie. Good silk too. A french blue printed in creme with the symbols for Yen, Euros, Pounds Sterling, etc. It made him look like even more of an asshole. When they got off the elevator a young woman rolled her eyes, she mentioned to me how scandalized she was by the tie in particular.

The boyfriend of a friend showed up to an event wearing a t-shirt with a squirrel on it that said: protect your nuts. It made him look like a jerk.

Gentlemen, please refrain from vulgar t-shirts. And I'll add: stay away from the Hawaiian shirt unless you are Hawaiian. Gambling or money themed prints are also déclassé, unless you are over 60, wearing a straw hat and entering a casino.

I will try to find an acceptable novelty print for a man.

I wish we lived in a world where a man could wear a shirt covered with hearts and carry a man bag that would comfortably hold is wallet, keys, ipod and a good book.


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