I know all there is to know about the crying game. How could anyone resist this hand-painted pessimistic crying hankie?

The photos are small here, but this hankie shows an intrepid brunette faced with bad weather, taxes, working late, and no one helping. Put your tears here, this handkercheif exhorts. In a lovely cursive hand are such truisms as: No one gives a darn. And: I never have enough money.

You can see it better here, though it has sold already.

Wouldn't it be great to have one custom-made? With all the travails and woes depicted? Mine would have to include: paying late fees, the drastically fluctuating temperatures of my shower scalding me, goddamn mice in the apartment. The list goes on. But I wouldn't be able to cry into it. Seeing my troubles animated would probably make me laugh. If I'd had this handkercheif last week I would have gotten over myself a lot quicker.

Though to be on the safe side, perhaps I would need to commission an optimist hankie to go with it. One covered in good penmanship with Stuart Smalley type affirmations. (I am nostalgic for the 90's taxi cab announcement with Stuart Smalley saying:You're pretty enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, you're in New York.) And drawings of aspirational moments, like receiving the Nobel Prize, or having work exhibited in the Venice Biennale. But maybe that's too grandiose. Maybe that's even more depressing. Perhaps a handkerchief that simply says: You're gonna be okay.

I love novelty print handkerchiefs and have a few adorable children's hankies that veer into extreme cuteness. Though I wish I had gotten a Stalin-themed handkerchief I'd seen years ago. A red scare anti-communist piece of hilarity, it encouraged one to "give a blow to Uncle Joe".